As most of you probably know, I will be leaving very soon in order to Squad Lead for World Race Gap Year. As a result, my days this week have mostly been spent tying up loose ends and organizing/cleaning my stuff before I put it in storage. Yesterday, I was cleaning out this set of drawers I’ve had since college, and I came across an old journal.
Now at this point, I should tell you that a significant part of my testimony is the fact that I was arrested in college. Long story short, a night of drinking got out of control, which wasn’t unusual for me, and I ended up getting arrested, which was probably long overdue to be honest. I don’t remember much from that night, but the feel of the handcuffs being tightened down, the view from the backseat of the cop car, and the realization that I was locked in a cell and I couldn’t do anything about it, those are things I will never forget. When I was released the next morning, I just felt sort of numb, maybe because of the hangover, or maybe because I was trying not to feel the weight of what had just happened. Anyways, the numbness eventually wore off and, in my mind, I was now a “criminal”. I remember feeling like the biggest scumbag ever for a while after that and I was very lost, confused, and scared in the days following that event.
Which leads us back to this old journal that I just found yesterday. Following the arrest, I was so overwhelmed by those feelings of unworthiness and shame that I had to do something, so I started journaling. Yesterday, as I was looking through this journal, I saw a page titled “Day 1: 9/3” which would have been only a couple of days after I was arrested. On that page I saw things written like “God loves me and has given me many gifts” and “I am made in God’s image”. Day 2 had a verse written on the page which was John 13:7. It says, “Jesus replied, ‘You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.’” And on and on it went with each day God helping me to speak truth over myself during such a dark time. So yesterday, as I was reading, I was so encouraged by the fact that even at one of my lowest points in life, God was preparing me for the future. I didn’t know that he would call me to do a year-long mission trip, and then to lead another, but he did, and the foundation was being constructed at the most unlikely of times. I am thankful I was able to find that journal and flip to those pages and reflect upon how far God and I have walked together since those days.
I wanted to share this story because it was so encouraging to me and such a good reminder of God’s character. God is good and faithful even in the darkest of times. God is good and faithful even when we aren’t. God takes care of us even when we aren’t taking care of ourselves. Even when our level of self-worth reads “worthless”, God’s level of our worth reads “priceless”. When we feel lost and disoriented, God says “I have plans for you!” And they are always plans worth following. So as I stand here 5 years after those journal entries, I am struck by the opportunity at redemption that God has graciously given me. In 4 days, God will begin to write the next chapter as I have the opportunity to lead kids who are the exact same age I was when I started to really mess things up. How cool is that? The exact age that I started to really screw up, is the exact same age group that I now have the privilege of leading. That’s God! He is a God of redemption.
